Yes, I know everyone is just so anxious for the Oscars to begin. It is almost as exciting as watching a beauty pageant or a reality show rerun. Yes, who doesn't like it when Hollywood takes a little time out to pat themselves on the back? It's nice to see that our favorite actresses and actors can put on a very expensive outfit, have their hair done and sit for hours upon hours as they clap and cheer their fellow coworkers as they win those stunning statuettes. I don't see how anyone could not like hearing once again from Hollywood how great Hollywood is, it is just a beautiful tradition.

So as a service for everyone as excited as I am, I'd like to offer my Oscar predictions. Let me just say as a warning, that I have an amazing track record with these things and this might be a bit of a spoiler:

• A woman will win in the best actress category.
• A derogatory remark aimed at President Bush will be said.
• Many beautiful actresses will be wearing their hair in ponytails or even unbrushed and the fashion "gurus" will exclaim that it is revolutionary. (It's a ponytail!)
• Chris Rock will not be funny. Didn't you know? Oscar hosts aren't allowed to tell good and relevant jokes that makes the audience laugh...takes too much time to wait for the laughter to subside.
• You will want the orchestra to begin playing before most of the speeches begin.
• No, the person you thought really deserved to win, will not win.
• Yes, Million Dollar Baby will win. There's euthanasia and fighting, what's not to like?
• I will not be watching the Oscars.

I sincerely hope I did not ruin any of the surprise by my predictions. But if I did, I am sure somehow you will manage to recover in time for that Oscar viewing party you have planned...